Book Review: The Sun and Her Flowers

I love Rupi Kaur for her relatable, digestible, eye-opening poetry. I enjoyed her first book Milk and Honey, so of course, I grabbed the first chance I could with the second one. Themes ranging from love, loss, trauma, healing, femininity, migration, revolution The sun and her flowers is a collection of poetry about grief, self-abandonment, honoring one’s roots, love and empowering oneself. It is split into five chapters wilting, falling, rooting, rising, and blooming.

I was attracted to her minimalistically designed books at Barnes and Nobles. I realized quickly that it’s not the standard poetry that I read in school. It is a very easy read. Some poems I immediately related to, and appreciated. Others, I did not, and found the emotionally and sexually charged read to be awkward to read.

Favorite quotes

.they leave

.and act like it never happened

.they come back

. And act like they never left

– ghosts

.why is it

.that when the story ends

.we begin to feel all of it

.I notice everything I do not have

.and decide it is beautiful

.a lot of times

.we are angry at other people

.for not doing what

.we should have done ourselves

– responsibility

.we have been dying

.since we got here

.and forgot to enjoy the view

– live fully

.when it came to listening

.my mother taught me silence

.if you are drowning their voice with yours

.how will you hear them she asked

.when it came to speaking

.she said do it with commitment

.every word you say

.is your own responsibility

.when it came to being

.she said be tender and tough at once

.you need to be vulnerable to live fully

.but rough enough to survive it all

.when it came to choose

.she asked me to be thankful

.for the choices I had that

.she never had the privilege of making

.leaving her country was not easy for my mother

.I still catch her searching for it

.in foreign films

.and the international food aisle

.what if

.there isn’t enough time

.to give her what she deserves

.do you think

.if I begged the sky hard enough

.my mother’s soul would

.return to me as my daughter

.so I can give her

.the comfort she gave me

.my whole life

.I want to go back in time and sit beside her

.Document her in a home movie so my eyes can spend the rest of their lives witnessing a miracle

.The one whose life I never think of before mine

.I want to know she laughed about with friends

.In the village within houses of mud and brick

.Surrounded by acres of mustard plant and sugarcane

.I want to sit with the teenage version of my mother

.Ask about her dreams

.Become her pleated braid

.The black kohl caressing her eyelids

.The flour neatly packed into her fingertips

.A page in her schoolbooks

.Even to be a single thread of her cotton dress would be the greatest gift.

– to witness a miracle.

.To hate is an easy lazy thing

.But to love takes strength

.Everyone has

.But not all are willing to practice

This book made me thankful for all the phases of life, and a great reminder that the growth is not a linear path. Some days are harder than others, but one pushes through.

A Simpler Life

Do you remember life before the internet?

My parents were young and don’t have much to their name, yet faced a world of struggles headstrong. In 1990, they escaped Vietnam in search to be in a better place, and I was born in a Filipino refugee camp. I don’t remember what it was like, but every Vietnamese aunt and uncle who were at that camp knew me. Being one of two babies born in that refugee group, I was somewhat a baby celebrity. Everyone in the refugee community have helped raised me.

My parents were often out and busy making a living, so I had a lot of time to myself. I entertained myself with lots of imaginary friends along with solo hobbies, namely writing and reading. I listened to CDs and watched DVDs.

They also took the time to play with me as well. We were close with the refugee community and often went to live music and weekend trips to the beach together. On weekends, we attended the meditation group. I never appreciated the value in this, though, now looking back this is a short period of solace. I sat with them, but I was in my own world, free from the deeper worries.

Having grown up with a life where internet was not accessible, I recognize the value of moderation. Everything is a lot more accessible now and thus, the importance of focus in the world of over stimulation. Sometimes, it takes a second to realize that I’m stuck in a flow. It helps to remember how to get unstuck is by going back to the basics – what I did when I was little. Motivation, sense of purpose, and being inspired by so many things. Time and space to pursue interests like reading, music, travel, garden, language learning, arts and crafts.

Do I remember remember what life was like before the internet? I’d say yes, and I appreciate having seen both worlds and what each world can do for me. In this, I am grateful.

To Be

What jobs have you had?

A simple answer for the day. I have had my share of indecisiveness and commitment issues. I felt my strengths and weaknesses over the years and I appreciate every opportunity in my life.

IT Support

nail technician

Olive Garden server

English ESL teacher for adults at a language school

English TEFL teacher for children online

immigration paralegal

Vietnamese interpreter

business development nonprofit

Chevrolet car salesperson

project manager

I fancy being a small business owner or online shop owner next. What do you think?

Life is too short to stick to one job. Why not try 10.

Jack of all Trades

What are you good at?

Immediate progress excites me. I like collecting skills and hobbies, but never deep into the world.

I love the starting and the doing, unfortunately without my much mindfulness into what I’m doing. Spark fizzles out. This is why I’m scared of committing fully into things. For the longest time I have been insecure about what I’m good at.

What, then, am I good at?

Exactly at what I’m not good at. Starting things. My impulsive tendencies gets me to commit myself and is my way of doing things where I would not otherwise. Because I am the way I am:

  • 6 month Study Abroad
  • 6 month solo travel in SEA
  • 3 month USA roadtrip with Cuong
  • 3 month Central America trip with Cuong
  • Lived in NYC with Cuong
  • Worked as English teacher, Vietnamese interpreter, car salesman, project management, and learned a lot in each world
  • Multiple Europe backpacking trips with Tam and Cuong
  • Lived in Atlanta

Of course, there is room for improvement, delve deeper. Master of some.

Sourdough Banana Bread Saga

On my banana bread journey:

Bread 8: June 22, 2024

  • Bringing this to a banana bread showdown tomorrow.
  • Used the microwave 5 mins and reduced banana liquid technique
  • Very active sourdough
  • 1/4 tsp cinnamon
  • Result: 1.5 hours to finish cooking. Will come back with results

Bread 7: June 15, 2024

  • Adjusted ratios to 3 bananas (all we had left).
  • Used the ratios to sub milk in for sourdough.
  • Result: it didn’t rise as much, but it was really good!! It has good depth in it and is very moist. Compared side by side, sourdough banana bread is better. I would like to work more with this in the future as it takes a lot less time.

Bread 6: June 14, 2024

  • Increased 375g > 575g banana, 3 > 5 bananas
  • Bananas dotted ripe but not black, so probably less sweet
  • Sourdough left out one night and fed almost 2 days to get active
  • Result: took 1.5 hours to finish baking. I put foil on top to prevent yellowing too much. This is the saddest I’ve been in a long time. I was baking with Cuong and wanted to get my bread out of pan quickly so he could use it. I didn’t let it cool for the 20 minutes like I should have. The bread broke apart coming out. So sad. The taste was delicious. VERY MOIST.

Bread 5: baked June 1, 2024

  • Not enough banana: 350g (~ 3 bananas) instead of 375g, so reducing everything else to 93%
  • Sugar 102g instead of 110g + reduce 5% sugar =97g
  • Mix of Vanilla extract (ran out) + Bourbon vanilla
  • Did not sift dry mix to see if I can get away with it, but mixed it thoroughly to make sure baking soda is dispersed.
  • Sourdough not super active.
  • Result: The bread rose very well, moist enough
  • Next time to try: more bananas, less sugar
  • Eventual future to try:
    • Use 1 stick butter (account for higher butter to oil ratio: .5 cup butter is 3/8 cup of oil)
    • Reduce even more sugar, add more banana (~7 bananas)
    • Use yogurt
    • Try airfryer
    • ½ cup chocolate
    • ½ cup raisins
    • 2 tbsps sour cream
    • 350 degrees 30 mins for 2 8in cake pan

Bread 4: baked May 28, 2024

  • Added 100g extra of bananas (change: 375 g to 475 g of bananas).
  • Measured the oil in cups instead on the scale; this cut down about 30ml of oil… oops :).
  • I forgot to sift the flour, so I mixed it more carefully to not have clumps of flour.
  • Lowered heat to 355 F
  • Used bourbon vanilla extract
  • Result: I was worried that it would overflow so I put it in two pans. It was very moist. Tasted sweeter than usual, but my friend Sel said it was the perfect “not too sweet.”
  • Next changes: Lower sugar.
  • Eventual future to try:
    • Use butter (higher butter to oil ratio)
    • Reduce even more sugar, add more banana
    • Use yogurt
    • Try airfryer

Bread 3: baked May 25, 2024

  • Went back to oil, to see if it will be better.
  • I did not mix the oil in enough so it looks crusty on the outside where it crisps up.
  • Left frozen bananas out and it had thawed; I dumped the banana juice out instead of keeping it
  • Will be taking this today to a family potluck! Looking forward to trying it.
  • Result: The bread needed more banana taste, and can be more moist. I expect this is because I didn’t get the banana extract in the mixture. There was oil caked on the outside and the top of the bread was too brown.
  • Next changes:
    • Lower heat
    • Add bananas
    • Mix the banana mixture to better incorporate the oil

Bread 2: baked May 23, 2024

  • Swapped out butter with oil.
  • Not intentional, but I ran out of all purpose flour, so had to buy a batch from Costco.
  • The sourdough was also overrisen.
  • I did not mix the dough enough, so it feels like some parts of the bread is doughie.
  • Result: The bread did not rise as much. It came out drier and doughier than I would have liked, but still quite good. I noted to try to go back to oil in the next bread run to see if it changes anything.
  • Next changes:
    • Make sure banana’s cooked
    • Go back to oil
    • Get sourdough at bubbly timing
    • Remember to take pictures 🙂

Bread 1: baked May 18, 2024

  • Cut recipe sugar in half to get that “not too sweet” compliment from Vietnamese moms.
  • Perfect loaf, rose magnificently.

Recipe in Progress:

Ingredients

  • Butter, for coating the pan
  • 575 g overripe bananas (appx. 2 1/3 cups lightly smashed)
  • 105 g (appx. 2/3 cups of lightly packed) light or dark brown sugar
  • 1½ tsp pure vanilla extract
  • 2 large eggs
  • 100 g (appx. 1/2 cup) bubbly, active sourdough starter (without sourdough: Increase the milk to 125 ml (1/2 cup) total.)
  • 250g (2 cups) all-purpose flour
  • 1½ tsp baking soda
  • 1/4 tsp fine sea salt
  • 125ml (1/2 cup) canola oil
  • 60ml (1/4 cup) milk

Instructions

  1. Preheat the oven to 360 F.
  2. Lightly coat a 9×5-inch loaf pan with butter.
  3. Add the bananas, sugar, and vanilla to a bowl. Cream with hand whisk (some small lumps of banana are okay).
  4. Add the eggs, one at a time until fully incorporated. Add the sourdough starter.
  5. Sift the flour, baking soda, and salt together in a separate bowl. Working in batches, add this to the banana mixture.
  6. Add the milk and oil and mix until just combined. Do not over do it; the banana bread will be tough.
  7. Pour the batter into the prepared pan(s). Transfer to the oven.
  8. Bake 60- 65 minutes (for the standard 9×5-inch pan), until rich golden brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Cover with foil if the loaf browns too quickly.
  9. Cool in the pan for 20 minutes, and then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

A Stitch in Time

It is incredible to see how time has flown. My first embroidery gifted to my mom for her birthday. I started this project Fall of 2023. It is finally completed Spring of 2024.

When looking at the picture I feel that I can always go home, because my mom will be there.

As time passes, I think of how many more days will I get to come back to visit my mom. How many days have I prioritized coming home. These are little reminders that tell me that home is where my loved ones are. I will be home again soon. One day soon.

A response to: One Day

Asheville Glamping: Cabin Escape in the Blue Ridge

As a big milestone birthday is coming up, I went back and forth on what to do, what to do.

I wanted it to be something special that I can remember, so my last few years’ birthdays of staying at home and having a picnic in the backyard was out. Though, that was very enticing and almost won!

Should I go big and celebrate at the historic resort? Or rent a nice Airbnb and go downtown? As I was wandering around the internet for awhile, I found this beautiful cabin near Asheville.

The listing caught my eye instantly, for its rustic wooden cabin color. I was drawn to the bunk beds set up hosting up to 7 guests and pets welcome! We were considering boarding Mai, our family dog, for the weekend. I was so excited that Mai was able to join the festivities.

The more I read, the more I was excited. Clicked to book.

Too soon. My stomach dropped as I looked closer at the pictures. The cabin was open on one side (no fourth well). Ah! In the middle of March, I was worried of the cold for my family, especially my mom, who is very adverse to cold.

I made sure to warn everyone in advance that it will be cold, so they will pack extra layers.

The day comes and it was beautiful weather. We split into two groups: my siblings with Mai were to go first. Cuong and my mom came later so that he can help drive the car later when my mom finishes working.

The cabin was a short drive 30 minutes Asheville, and about a 1h 15m drive from our house. Not bad at all. We arrived in the afternoon, and as we’re pulling up, the streets were looking aesthetically very Ghibli. Houses had lots of flowering trees.

As we arrived, we let Mai out and she immediately roamed the perimeters. The rest of us explored the cabin’s contents. We assigned beds and checked out the kitchen as well. We had a propane stove, kitchenware, tubs, firestarting kits, seasonings. Surpassed our expectations!

After a bit of rest, we decided to go look for the waterfall to toss our dog into. The hike up was very beatiful. It was very green and lush. We hiked in flip flops and crocs because we weren’t expecting to hike. The way to the top was short. My siblings played lovely offline lofi and nostalgic soft music while hiking which made for a lovely mood.

Back at the cabin, Tam and Thanh volunteered to gather wood. They took the van up the mountain again where we saw big logs while walking the path earlier. Despite worrying for their ability to drive up the narrow road, I calmed my nerves to remind that they’re both adults now!

Thien and I stayed behind to start the fire and search for spring water. Thien worked on gathering small fuels, firestarters, and shaping up our fire. He also stopped to help me carry buckets of water from the spring nearby for our drinking and dishwashing later on. It was a simple life like no other.

A few moments later, I see the van coming down the mountain with the backdoor open and Thanh calling out to us as she sits hanging on the side. They gathered a floor’s load of wood! With additional wood, Thien was way more than equipped to start the fire. The fire started instantly.

With the fire started, Thien tended to the fire, while the rest of us prepped for dinner to be cooked on the fire. Our signature camping food “pig slop” includes fire roasted potatoes, corn, tomatoes, onion, mayo and seasonings. As soon as we saw coals red, we tossed the potatoes in there for about 40 minutes.

Memories: Late night poetry – finance talk – Next day Ramen, leftovers – Fire, more smores, hotdogs, Winthien’s wolf spider coming back to the same spot and getting caught, fire/string lights aesthetic, hotdog, ramen, Mai gets to eat nice too! – Mai cruising around like she owns the place.

Undoubtably, despite the initial uncertainties, this glamping trip became an unforgettable birthday celebration filled with laughter, fireside stories, and the simple joy of being together in the mountains. Most importantly, I am spending time and being together with my favorite people ❤.

Moving On

Letting go of the unreasonable expectations
Letting go of the pressure throbbing in my brain
Enough of the days and weeks ruminating and stressing
Enough of being judged by standards that I have no say in
Moving on from the people I should be pleasing
Moving on from the system that I should be fitting in

Shed the layer of 20s
Rebirth in the 30s
A new era, a new Me

In reading the Art of Happiness, I am more focused on prioritizing my appreciation, contentment and joyfulness. I am meditating, and am grateful for every day. The Art of Happiness is to pursue activities that lead to wholesome living, and avoid activities that lead to suffering. What activities may this be and how do we move on from where we are to be renewed?

Thank you to Gerry C and Sue W for hosting the weekly challenge: Moving On

Reflections: How to Handle Pain and Regain Self Confidence

With the passing Lunar New Year, it is a good time as any to write a reflections post.

The last year has been particular hard as I have started a new job. My job has given me more opportunities that I have ever had. I experienced new freedoms and finally had what I had always dreamed of having: traveling :). I had enjoyed multiple business trips all expense paid for, day and night difference from my usual budget travels. Because I was so busy and enamored with this new job, I did not expect the fall that was about to happen. On the flip dark side, I have also encountered (emotional) challenges that shattered my core. I realized that my faith and value in myself is only as good as the words that I hear. I cried, ruminated, complained, meditated, journaled, confided, complained, and rode the roller coaster. I fought and came to terms with bitter unfairness of corporate life.

Time cures all pain, though even as I write this post, I struggle to avoid rumination.

The golden nugget I took out of this is the following advice from my mom: I can tell work how I feel, and it’s their problem if they listen or not. Then, I need to do my job the best that I can do. I am true to myself and this is who they hired. If I want to keep my soul whole, I need to detatch myself from the source of this toxicity. The four agreements, it is not my problem if they don’t agree with me; I will not take it personally. I learned that I can work on standing strong with confidence in myself. The value in myself cannot be affected by others if I am confident in myself.

I am embarrassed that I have let an outside force. However, I’m grateful that I have people around me who helped in different ways. I’m grateful for my mom, husband, and siblings for talking me through my unstable emotions. I am also grateful for my work colleagues who helped me. It made me feel that I am surrounded by people who will take care of me.

I am not working in an ideal work environment, which is stressful in itself. I am curious how this will pan out in the next few months. All I know is that I will live with integrity, and make my mom proud!

This is a bit sad for a reflections post and I am hesitant to share, but I think sad reflections are even more meaningful. It proves that life is full of ups and downs. Getting through hardship brings out wisdom and growth in life.

As they say, suffering stems from Expectations, and with a bit of time and reflection, there is no better wake up call to reorient what’s important to me.

Check out my previous reflections here:

In other news, here are some things I’ve been working on:

  • Reading:
    • Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding
    • Unlimited Memory
    • Are you there Vodka, it’s me Chelsea
    • Art of Happiness
  • Meditation and Yoga daily
  • Keeping organized with my Rocketbook
  • Getting ready for my birth month coming up. A big milestone and I want to celebrate it with loved ones.